Barriers to listening
If listening was on the school curriculum, therapy might almost be redundant. We would drop such dismissive phrases as ‘Do we really have to bring this up again?’ ‘You’re exaggerating!’, ‘Stop moaning!’, and ‘I haven’t time for this…’. But life is so busy that we often gallop through life, blinkered by competing demands and timetables. We’re unable to hear much beyond our own urgent and functional messages to self.
I often wonder what happened to a young client, who had disengaged from college, whose mother was preoccupied with a baby and partner. She was searching for someone to hear the fears and dreams that were key to her wellbeing. She wanted to sing for a living but doubted her talent, she arrived one week with a recording on her phone. No one else, she said, was bothered to listen. The song she sang was Light up, light up/ As if you have a choice/ Even if you cannot hear my voice’.
As Jane Murray of the meditation and mindfulness group Peacebeam puts it, ‘More information pours into our minds than at any time in history, which is why we’ve forgotten how to listen’.
We prioritise what’s urgent rather than attending deeply to what’s important. We’re plugged into devices that detach us from real contact and closeness.
When a brief spell of downtime occurs, we don’t want to spend it fielding grumbles or discontent, so it’s easier to deny, or bat them away. That’s why one exasperated party in couples counselling so often complains that their other half is now, finally, paying attention to what they’ve been conveying to apparently deaf ears for months, even years now. I wish I had a pound for every time I’ve been asked ‘Why are they listening to YOU, when I’ve been ignored, saying exactly the same so often?’. Sometimes it takes an experienced counsellor, to get the message across.
krysallis therapists are skilled at enabling honest and kindly communication even when clients doubt the possibility. Couples do often show up for therapy when they’ve reached the cliff edge of discontent and conflict: one more row, one more outburst and the relationship could topple over. Why did it take so long to listen?
In After the Fight, a guide to making up, Daniel B Wile writes ‘The big problem when partners try to talk – the main reason their talking breaks down – is that neither partner acknowledges anything the other says. As soon as even a subtle adversarial edge creeps into the conversation, the partners mentally hunker down. They become defensive and accusing. They become unable to say what is on their minds or to listen to each other’.
Too often we talk over each other to silence the harsh tone that’s crept into our partner’s voice. We’re so busy preparing what we want to say next in the conversation or argument that we don’t stop truly to take notice of what our partner is saying, although it could make all the difference. An avoidant partner may leave the room as soon as the talk gets heated, leaving the silenced one fuming or pursuing, so powerful is the need to be heard. Therapists call this common pursuit scenario ‘the sword’ and this, according to US psychologist Dr John Gottman, is one of the four chief wrecking balls of close relationships.
A simple exercise to start the listening ball rolling in your relationship
- Book in a 20 minute slot once a week.
- One of you to talk for two and a half minutes about something that matters to you (but that is not so inflammatory as to cause an explosion).
- The other listens with full attention and must not interrupt.
- When time is up, the listener does not reply, they reflect back as closely as possible what has been said.
- How accurate is the feedback?
- How much has been forgotten?
- Switch roles and follow the same process.
- Be curious and interested in each other’s two and half minutes, rather than harbour criticism or resentment.
- This exercise is an opportunity to collaborate.
- It’s okay to differ as long as each of you has regard for the other’s opinion. Why would you need to agree about absolutely everything? Celebrate the difference.
krysallis counsellors recognise that it’s hard to listen well to others, if you’re not attuned to your own deepest thoughts and feelings.
How to check in with yourself
- Take a few minutes each morning.
- Consider the questions ‘How do I feel today?’ ‘What is my mind and body telling me right now?’.
- Be curious about the emotions you are experiencing, try to identify what has made you feel that way.
Jane Murray of Peacebeam recommends:
- Scan your body from the crown of your head to your feet.
- Relax, yawn and stretch.
- Take some breaths a little deeper than usual and invite their rhythm to connect with your heart.
- Tune in to this kind and gentle soundtrack to your life.
- Then turn your attention outwards to the sounds of your environment – traffic, rain, the murmur of voices, a boiling kettle.
- Bring it back once more and in your calm space, listen deeply for answers to the question ‘What does my heart need today?’.
Considering that question is a gift of kindness that you can carry through your day, paying it forward to others.
The value of listening
Peacebeam reminds us that hearing is an incredible faculty that gathers information, sifts it, relates and labels it without us needing to be engaged at all. But listening goes deeper: it shifts our focus in a very gentle yet powerful way. ‘Listening to ourselves, to others and to our world can be a very powerful source of love.’ https://www.peacebeam.com
krysallis listen and we offer bespoke individual, couples and family therapy, please get in touch on 01423 857939 or https://www.krysallis.org.uk/about-us/contact/ if you we can be of support.