Top tips for effective listening in romantic relationships

A simple exercise to start the listening ball rolling in your relationship

• Book in a 20 minute slot once a week.
• One of you to talk for two and a half minutes about something that matters to you (but that is not so inflammatory as to cause an explosion).
• The other listens with full attention and must not interrupt.
• When time is up, the listener does not reply, they reflect back as closely as possible what has been said.
• How accurate is the feedback?
• How much has been forgotten?
• Switch roles and follow the same process.
• Be curious and interested in each other’s two and half minutes, rather than harbour criticism or resentment.
• This exercise is an opportunity to collaborate.
• It’s okay to differ as long as each of you has regard for the other’s opinion. Why would you need to agree about absolutely everything?  Celebrate the difference.

krysallis counsellors recognise that it’s hard to listen well to others, if you’re not attuned to your own deepest thoughts and feelings.

How to check in with yourself

• Take a few minutes each morning.
• Consider the questions ‘How do I feel today?’ ‘What is my mind and body telling me right now?’.
• Be curious about the emotions you are experiencing, try to identify what has made you feel that way.

Jane Murray of Peacebeam recommends:

• Scan your body from the crown of your head to your feet.
• Relax, yawn and stretch.
• Take some breaths a little deeper than usual and invite their rhythm to connect with your heart.
• Tune in to this kind and gentle soundtrack to your life.
• Then turn your attention outwards to the sounds of your environment – traffic, rain, the murmur of voices, a boiling kettle.
• Bring it back once more and in your calm space, listen deeply for answers to the question ‘What does my heart need today?’.

Considering that question is a gift of kindness that you can carry through your day, paying it forward to others.

The value of listening

Peacebeam reminds us that hearing is an incredible faculty that gathers information, sifts it, relates and labels it without us needing to be engaged at all.  But listening goes deeper: it shifts our focus in a very gentle yet powerful way.  ‘Listening to ourselves, to others and to our world can be a very powerful source of love.’ https://www.peacebeam.com

krysallis listen and we offer bespoke individual, couples and family therapy, please get in touch on 01423 857939 or https://www.krysallis.org.uk/about-us/contact/ if you we can be of support.