Being your authentic self – as young people and adults

Charades was an ideal festive game – an old-fashioned diversion from drunk uncles, teenagers who’d rather be online and the same old family fallouts. But living your life as some kind of charade? Please don’t!

Pretending to be someone or something you are not? Perhaps you want to please others or you lack confidence, or think others might judge you. Sometimes, we all use a disguise: a professional persona for an interview or pasting on a smile on a difficult day. The Victorians, who popularised charades were also known to cover up furniture legs for fear of arousing improper thoughts. Their obsession with surface decency and decorum had everything to do with appearance and nothing to do with being authentic.

Counselling provides a space where you can feel safe and free to drop the facade.

Being fully yourself is easy in the beginning: small children have a strong sense of themselves. A 6 year old was struggling with his parents’ divorce but still able to describe himself ‘I am gentle, but mighty.’ By the time self-consciousness, peer pressure, and social media kick in, young people are often far less assured. School culture, family expectations and prevailing fashion create a climate in which ‘fitting in’ feels essential. I wish I had a pound for every time I’ve observed to a young person that it’s ok to be yourself. Indeed you really must because, as Oscar Wilde said ‘Everyone else is already taken.’ Young clients who risk exploring the road less travelled to individuality sometimes describe themselves as ‘weird’ rather than brave.

Being uncomfortable in your own skin is often an issue for teenagers in the prevailing culture. Krysallis counsellors meet young clients exactly where they are rather than where they think they ‘should’ be. We encourage them to open up their thoughts, dreams and feelings and reassure them that self-doubt and uncertainty about identity and the future is quite natural. `I thought it was only me who felt that way’ is a common refrain.

Growing up means recognising that while you have lots in common with others, but that you are also unique and valuable in your singularity.  For everyone who worries that they shouldn’t be a virgin at 19, there are others who fear being shamed for having gone ‘all the way’ at 15.  Counsellors see young people caught up in a culture of drinking and smoking weed because that looks like the route to the inner circle of their friendship group ‘I don’t like the taste of alcohol, to be honest’ says an18 year old ‘but I’ll look weird if I don’t do shots like everyone else.’ In the search for our own identity we often take on different personas and even negative identities in our desire to achieve connectedness and feel like we belong.

Developing our sense of self takes time and ultimately it is not built on what other people think of us.

Young people need to hear that it’s ok to feel whatever they feel… they are not defined by early mistakes and experiments. It takes each and everyone of us many, many mistakes on the way to becoming the selves we seek.

krysallis therapists will support you in answering the question ‘Who am I?’ and embracing your true and unique self.